Hi. My name is Chad and I'm a parking Nazi.
There, I said it. Actually, I don't mind admitting it. I think you can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they park their vehicles and, frankly, there are an awful lot of people around here whose parking doesn't paint a pretty picture about them.
It never used to bother me that much. Then, about 11 years ago, I moved to an apartment block here in Estevan. The first little while was good. I had the requisite weird neighbors next door - in this case really weird - but it was a good quiet building. Unfortunately, as the rent began to increase many of the people who made it a nice quiet building began to leave and others began to fill their spots.
One gentleman, a term I only use because I don't want to get letters for swearing again, felt it was his God-given right to park like a complete moron. It wasn't so bad that he had to back in his big black truck, it was the fact that when he backed in his rolling pile of crap, a healthy-sized portion of that truck would end up in my parking stall. Even worse, he would park at such an angle that the passenger side of his vehicle would actually block my vehicle.
At first it wasn't too bad. It was annoying no doubt, but I could get out without much of an issue. But, like almost anything, the more you leave things, the worse it gets. One day the vehicle was so far over it took me almost five minutes to get out. On another occasion I had just parked and he was coming in just after me. The park job was so bad that there was no way I would ever get vehicle out unless I could physically pick up the rear end of my car and move it over a couple of feet.
I sat at the rear entrance of the building and watched this wizardy of the wheel go down. As the guy got to the building I asked him if he would be so kind to move his vehicle so I might actually get mine out at some point. He looked at me like I was a complete schmuck for asking this. With stones like that it's amazing some people can get their pants on.
Ever since that lovely experience I have had a bug up my ass about the way people park. I can admit it.
When I am walking through a parking lot and see one vehicle taking up two spots I want to take out my keys and create some artwork. I saw one winner who used his vehicle to take up three stalls at Canadian Tire. I wanted to take a tire iron to that vehicle. (Yes, I might have a rage issue or two.)
But, like I said before, when you park like that, it says a lot about you. Namely that you are a complete narcissist who doesn't give a damn about anyone else. That might sound extreme, but really, how hard is it to park you vehicle between the yellow lines? It just shows that (to paraphrase Fight Club) you think you are the white-hot burning centre of the universe.
We were all taught to colour inside the lines, park your bloody vehicle between the lines.
Sadly, bad parking isn't limited just to those who cannot find their way between the lines. We also have those who think it's OK to park their vehicle wherever they want. That problem is chronic around our office. For some unspeakable reason, there are some who think its no big deal to park in the driveway that leads to the rear of our office. I am buffaloed how anyone would think this is standard operating procedure. If someone parked in front of their driveway in such a manner that it prevented them from getting into their drive, they would scream bloody murder and call the cops. Yet, there are some who have no issues about parking in our driveway.
That's just one example. There are people here who have no problems with parking absolutely anywhere at anytime. It's Thunderdome.
Then of course, there are the lowest of the low. Those people who park in handicap stalls. This isn't just a sign that you are a raging narcissist, it shows that you have no decency left and don't really deserve to be part of society.
A couple of weeks ago I was leaving a local business and saw a woman, likely in her 30s although the pound of makeup made her look a decade or two older, pull up and park her car in the only handicapped stall at this business. I looked at her and said "you do know that's a handicapped stall, right?" She didn't give a damn and kept walking into the store. Oddly enough, I found myself seriously considering the merits of a tire iron at that moment. (Don't worry Mom, I didn't do anything. Couldn't find my tire iron.)
Anyone who does this is lower than a snake's belly and the fine for a first offence should start at $1,000 and a six month driver's licence suspension. A second offence should be followed by jail because if you get caught doing this twice you are too dumb for life.
I am aware my views on this matter might be in the minority and I am OK with that because I'm not the one parking like a donkey.
So please, the next time you are pulling into that parking stall, take an extra three seconds and park between the lines. Your fellow drivers thank you in advance.
