Warning: This column is chock full of spoilers. If you don't want to know anything about The Professional, Harry Potter, Dr. Strangelove or Black Swan, don't read this.
It's column writing time yet again. Somehow this always sneaks up on me. Usually, I'm ready Wednesday morning to pour my inner-most thoughts onto the page. Today, however, is a different story. I'm stumped. Nothing pressing to report.
So I'm going to copy an idea I found on Cracked.com. Contributer Daniel O'Brien watched all of the Harry Potter movie trailers, then wrote a summary of what he gathered from each clip.
I'm going to do that, except with films recommended by Jordan Baker. He insists they're not obscure, but I've never heard of any of them. So here we go:
Two movies explained by someone who hasn't seen them.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to love the Bomb
The opening laughter is obviously the Joker. So I deduce that this film takes place in Gotham City. The fact that everything is in black and white seems to fit this theory too. The words "Dr. Stranglelove or: How I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb" blink on the screen. So Dr. Strangelove is the original Joker. Maybe the Joker's father. And judging by the bombers and accents, he's caused some disagreement with Russia and is going to attack. His assistant is some evil, stereotypical woman wearing her underwear. I can see that she seduces officers in Dr. Strangelove's army, and I assume the other army as well. Maybe that's the strange love? Makes sense with the quote about "10 females to each male." Anyway, Dr. Strangelove's main weapon is the doom's day machine. Maybe the doomsday machine is going to blast women at enemy men, thus overwhelming them and making them easy targets for murder or conquering.
The Professional
All right, my first view of this film showed me that Sirius Black from Harry Potter and Nina from Black Swan are both in it, which is confusing since everyone knows Sirius fell behind the veil, and Nina, well, she died too. But I guess they look younger here, so maybe this is way before Sirius knew he was a wizard, and before Nina was a multi-personalitied ballet star.
It seems that Nina goes and hangs out with a serial killer following the murder of her family. Except her mother clearly survives, because she's around in Black Swan and is absolutely crazy. So maybe that's why Nina chose a mass murderer (who I assume is Leon?) to live with. It looks like Sirius was the killer, and is rather off his rocker himself. I guess being on the run from the guards in Azkaban can do that to a person, and maybe he needed a muggle fireplace through which to contact Harry.
Anyway, Nina goes to live with Leon, the killer, who kind of looks like the mole at the end of The Incredibles. Classic Disney plot tells me that he ends up caring for Nina and eventually stops being a killer and they live happily ever after, with Nina training tirelessly as a ballerina and Sirius Black heading to the wizarding world to give magic a shot.
