It's a secret he carried around like an anvil for roughly half of his life. One that caused constant turmoil in his world, led to years of addiction and strained relationships with his family.
But after going public with the secret that for five years he was systematically abused by his junior hockey coach, Todd Holt says he is now able to move on with the rest of his life.
The Alameda native and former Estevan resident became a hero to many across Canada last week when he revealed that he was abused by Graham James while he was Holt's head coach with the Swift Current Broncos.
James, who has already been convicted and spent time in prison for abusing Sheldon Kennedy and another unnamed player, was back in court last week for a sentencing hearing on charges that he had sexually abused former NHL star Theo Fleury and another player whose name was protected by a publication ban. Faced with a desire to confront his abuser and empower himself, Holt asked that the publication ban be lifted so he could deliver a victim impact statement in court.
Although he admitted it took awhile before he was in the right frame of mind to go public, Holt said he is pleased with his choice.
"It was a big decision for me to become more than an unnamed player," Holt said in an interview with The Mercury Monday. "I'm not the type of guy to sit back. When I first laid the charges a couple years ago, I wasn't in the right mind frame, I wasn't prepared and that is why I (asked for the publication ban.) But today I am in a good place."
Getting to a "good place" has been a long and arduous road for Holt, who now resides in Cochrane, Alta.
After years of tearing up rinks throughout southeast Saskatchewan with minor hockey teams in Alameda and later in Estevan, Holt was recruited, by James, to play for the Swift Current Broncos.
It was obviously a dream come true for anyone in his position, the small town boy recruited by a man who at the time was so highly thought of The Hockey News once named him their man of the year. Further to that, the Broncos were one of the Western Hockey League's marquee teams, fresh off a Memorial Cup championship.
Unfortunately few knew of the horrible secrets bubbling beneath the surface in Swift Current. James had been abusing one of his star players, Sheldon Kennedy, for years. With Kennedy moving on to pro hockey, James cast his eye towards Holt, abusing him for the first time when he was just 16. Over the course of five years with the Broncos, James would continue to abuse Holt twice a week.
Although these horrible acts were going on behind the scenes, Holt somehow flourished on the ice. Always the smallest player on his team, Holt more than made up for it with speed, skill and a tenacity that helped him become the Broncos' all-time leading scorer with an incredible 423 points in 321 games. He was also the only player to ever win the Broncos' fan favourite award four times.
"It was my only safe place," he said. "Graham couldn't get me on the ice. When I was on the ice I felt free, I was meant to be there. From a little boy, the only place I wanted to be was on the ice."
Although he was starring on the ice, Holt looks back on that time now and says that away from the rink he was having his soul torn apart by James and that the years of abuse left him a shell of the person he was when he arrived in Swift Current.
It also turned him into a person that now, with the ability to look back with perspective and an understanding of what he endured, he isn't proud of.
"People who are abused, we have a shut-off mechanism in our system and I truly believe that I was able to shut off my life to anyone who I ever wanted to. Not that it was something that I ever chose.
"At the time I didn't realize the decisions I was making at the time, and the things that I put my loved ones through. I didn't know I was doing it. I didn't know I was being a bad husband or a bad father. I drove the people who loved me the most out of my life, and it was a direct result of what Graham James did to us. He goes on with his life and we were supposed to move on to bigger and better things, but when I graduated (from the Broncos) I was empty, I was drained you feel helpless.
"How was I supposed to be this amazing father figure? How was I supposed to be this great husband or uncle or brother when I didn't care for the man I looked at in the mirror? I know today that I am responsible for all of my decisions but back then I thought I'd play professional hockey and this is how I'm going to live and if you don't like it, it's a big world out there"
As he continued on with his hockey career, Holt, who was drafted by the San Jose Sharks, made stops in such locales as Kansas City, Missouri; Roanoke, Viriginia; Birmingham, Alabama; Fresno, California; and finally in Germany where he wrapped up his professional days.
However as he took that circuitous route through the hockey world and beyond, his life continued to unravel. He became gripped by addiction and estranged from his family members. That spiral continued until just over two years ago when he made the decision to not only enter rehabilitation for his addictions but also file charges against James.
Holt said the decision to get sober was, in many respects, a rebirth as he began reclaiming his life and repairing relationships with his family, most notably sons Taysen and Kaelan.
"I had the mentality of a 16-year-old boy for most of my life, so sobering up and starting from scratch was unbelievable," said Holt who added that his girlfriend Kristen, who has been through many similar experiences herself, has provided an amazing support system for his ongoing recovery.
"Today I feel good. I am confident. I have a great family. There is a long time where (my family) saw me disintegrating. I couldn't imagine their emotion or their frustration and my boys, watching their dad leave them behind and going through a divorce where I chased everyone out of my life. I realize today what harm I did, but I can't go back in time and take all those errors away. But I can make today better."
As much as getting sober has helped Holt begin to repair his relationship with his loved ones, it also gave him the strength to confront James and take back the power from the man who he describes as the most manipulative person in the world.
He said the first step in taking back that power was having the publication ban lifted and unveiling to the world that, like Fleury and Kennedy, he was abused by James.
"When I first decided and I talked to representatives from the law firm, they said that is a big step and they kind of made me think about it. But I made the decision before going into court that I was going to read my victim impact statement, and in reading that, I wasn't coming out of there being the guy without a voice.
"It was difficult to say the least, having Graham James 10 feet behind me, watching over my shoulder as I read about the effects he had on my life."
As difficult as it was for Holt to read his statement in front of James, he said once it was complete, he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He added the support he has received from not only his family and friends, but also from people he doesn't even know, has been overwhelming.
"It's been more than I ever imagined. I knew that I had a lot of people in my court and I knew that a lot of people were proud of the direction I chose or the way I was going. But I never understood the magnitude of the support and the love I have received since I released my name.
"It has turned out to be great in so many ways. I have gained strength from every little tweet and Facebook message."
Now that his story is in the public eye, Holt said he plans to be an advocate for victims of abuse and let them know that as difficult as it may be, their lives will be better if they take the step to deal with their abuse.
"It's safe. It really is. I am not going to lie and sugar-coat it and say that it's a piece of cake and say that anyone can do it. Anyone can, but you got to put your hard hat on, but it's worth it.
"For every tear, every nightmare, for everything I went through, today I feel good. I can stand up now. I want to talk. I want to share. Many doors have opened, I can take it anywhere I want. I would love to be on every talk show, not for publicity or anything like that, but if someone hears my story and they listen to the radio in their basement and they are thinking about doing something harmful, if I can change that one person or a couple people get it and say, that is just like me.
"It's a cliché but if I can do it, anyone can. I really believe it. I appreciate what came out of everything; I think I am a better person for it and I am excited about the future now, I am excited for what tomorrow brings, and I am excited to get up in the morning."
