If Mom and Dad would be PIR doing a little POS then there might be a little less DT or KPC going on in their youngster's cyberworld.
That was one of several clear messages delivered by former police detective sergeant Brian Trainor to a handful of parents and teachers who had gathered at Hillcrest School Monday evening for a presentation on cyberbullying. The message was delivered by this former cop who knows quite a bit about how destructive it can be. Trainor also knows how it happens and sometimes why it happens. He said being aware of what is going on in the youngster's "other" world can help alleviate a lot of parenting problems.
Trainor, who has been retired from the Saskatoon Police Service for five years now, has written and illustrated a comic book on cyberbullying which has been distributed to children throughout the province. He makes about 20 presentations a month, speaking to both young people, parents and educators. In fact he had made a presentation to a group of high school teachers at the Estevan Comprehensive School earlier that day.
Trainor told The Mercury that after he was promoted to sergeant, he began working on a number of fraud cases and that brought him into a more complete awareness of what was happening in the world of cyber communications and how the bullies work in that environment.
He noted that when it came to assisting the victims and perpetrators, "counsellors want to look at the activity, not necessarily the person so as not to label the child."
But in the world of cyberbullying, even the counsellors and teachers can be attacked and texting and sexting are runaway trains from a morality squad's perspective.
Trainor said from his experiences in dealing with the problem, it really begins to escalate when young people are around the Grade 7 level. Before that it's usually pretty standard bullying stuff, only it's done through e-mails and texting since many children already have cellphones before they reach Grade 5.
"Before Grade 7 it's usually about boys wanting power and for girls the weapon is exclusion," said Trainor.
It can get out of control as these youngsters try to find their place in the world while at the same time their emotions and actions are going overboard. He said it's a very difficult time for them emotionally and physically, and the fear of peer pressure is very real. Nobody wants to be left out and school cliques will do that.
He said he talked to the teachers about the reach that principals have when dealing with subjects such as Facebook.
On Monday night, Trainor spent 20 minutes talking about the presentations he makes to the students and then spoke to them about what they can do as adults to try and curb cyberbullying.
"By the Grade 9 year, I'm ready to hit them right between the eyes, before that I provide a softer presentation," said Trainor who said his other crime fighting passion was the protection of seniors against fraud.
"We call it bullying in grade school, and by high school, it's harassment," he said pointing out how most dirty tricks on the Internet are chargeable offences, beginning once the child reaches the age of 12.
"Psychological bullying is one of the worst kinds of bullying because it can mark a victim for life, they'll never forget it," said Trainor, noting how one consistent deed or action can wear a victim down.
Trainor also explained that Facebook presence prior to the age of 13 is illegal and that company takes down over 20,000 accounts per day, but young people still get on it. He said he personally got off it a few years ago since he found it boring and unproductive, but then went back on again with a strict one-on-one account to help victims. "I don't have a Facebook wall," he said, "I don't care what my brother had for lunch," he added with a laugh.
He said it's important to stress to children that any sexting that is done online, can't be deleted, and that records are kept. In SaskTel's case, the records are there for at least 50 years and can be recalled at any time by request from authorities. He also noted that prospective employers use social media sites to check up on potential employees to see what their past records and images contain.
"So parents, you start with Google imaging your kids," Trainor said. "Tagging on Facebook can be the start of the problem. Don't let your kid tag without permission and remember this is a 24/7 world and there is no crime scene, but you can get all the pages, SaskTel has them in "the cloud" for over 50 years. So let your kids know that what they put up there now will be there until the day they retire."
Trainor said computer savvy children can slash one another easily and flaming fights online are a constant problem. The communications start out nicely and then escalate (on purpose) into an on-line fight.
Trainor said problems such as outing someone or impersonation and exclusion are just some of the problems encountered by those combatting cyberbullying and cyberworld bystanders who simply relay messages but don't necessarily participate, are adding to the problem.
"If you forward hate mail, you're participating," he said.
"If you are being bullied, the best advice is to not respond. That's the start," Trainor said, speaking about the help he provides for young people.
"They know all about their supposed free speech rights, which, by the way, isn't the same in Canada as it is in the United States, but they also need to know that with that free speech, can come consequences. Most bullying actions online are crimes. When you are threatened online, that's a chargeable offence and anyone 12 or older can, and some have been, charged," Trainor explained.
Hints for parents included such things as deploying predator guards, e-mail trackers and parental controls, but he advised them to let their children know they are taking those actions.
"Keep your children's computer in sight, don't give them any expectation of privacy, check the history, in other words, be the parent, not a friend, but the parent. Watch for secretive behaviour such as your kid flipping the screen as you enter the room. And teachers, you have to watch for signs of victimization as do the parents. If it's not good, you can report to the Internet service provider for assistance and ask your kid how you can help them. Keep in mind that while over 80 per cent of the parents figure their kids will tell them about cyberbullying, only eight per cent of the kids said they'd tell their parents if they were being cyberbullied, so that's your reality. Your kids will no doubt have one Facebook page that you'll know about and then they'll probably have a second site, that you don't. That's why I beg you to be the parent."
As for those opening acronyms, well in the world of the youngster trying out the sexting world, PIR means parents in room; POS is parent over shoulder, DT is dirty talk or TDTM (talk dirty to me) and KPC provides the information that they are keeping parents clueless.
