It’s that time of year when many of us take holidays with family and friends. As much as we enjoy getting together, conversations can get a bit prickly and leave loved ones feeling less supported than we might want.
So, we need some strategies to reduce potential misunderstandings when confronted with an argumentative communicator.
What’s an argumentative communicator?
If you enjoy playing devil’s advocate, constantly offer an opposing opinion even if it’s not asked for, and often use the word ‘but’ in conversation with others, you might be perceived as argumentative.
When you constantly disagree with others’ comments, you risk making them feel wrong, unintelligent, or uninformed. This approach isn’t ideal for fostering strong relationships.
Men and women often perceive communication differently. For example, men might describe aggressive communication styles as “a debate” or “an intense conversation,” while women might see the same interaction as “a fight” or “an argument.”
Obviously, perceptions are tricky things to work around.
One person may believe they’re simply debating or discussing a subject intellectually with no intent to harm. The other person may perceive the same conversation as intending to lower their reputation or hurt them. As a result, they feel a need to defend themselves rather than just their point of view.
This doesn’t mean you need to stop disagreeing or sharing your opinions. It simply means you should ensure that those you’re in a discussion with don’t feel personally attacked.
There’s another issue: we often treat our ideas as part of our identity. When people view their ideas as extensions of themselves, any debate can feel like a personal attack. Therefore, it’s important to distinguish between the opinion and the person during these discussions.
If someone perceives you as argumentative during a discussion, ask them, “How can I present counterexamples and other viewpoints without offending you or hurting your feelings?”
If people frequently say things like, “You just love to argue, don’t you?” or “Why do you always argue with me?” or “I don’t want to fight with you,” it’s a sign that you need to rethink your communication style, even if you don’t believe you’re being argumentative.
Here are some tips to help you soften your style and appear less abrasive:
- Ask more questions.
- Be aware that not everyone perceives discussion, debate, arguing, and fighting in the same way.
- Ask the people you care about precisely how you can communicate with them to help them know you don’t want to argue but rather discuss.
- Always think of your intention. Is your intention gentle? Speak more quietly. People associate quieter tones with gentler intentions.
- Show people you care through actions, so when you do argue, they know you genuinely care.
- If a discussion becomes heated, ask the other person if they feel you’re arguing or just discussing. Then, ask them to explain the difference from their perspective.
- Ask your friend/associate/partner how you can communicate without giving the appearance of arguing.
- Ensure you make your intention clear so it’s not misunderstood.
- Show that you are genuinely listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and not interrupting.
- Focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than blaming or criticizing others. For example, say “I feel” instead of “You always.”
- If a conversation gets too heated, suggest taking a short break to cool down before continuing.
- Try to understand and acknowledge the other person’s feelings and points of view.
- Maintain a calm demeanour, even if the other person becomes agitated.
- Avoid using words like “always” or “never,” which can make your statements seem overly critical.
- Show willingness to find a middle ground or compromise.
- Regularly express appreciation for the other person’s ideas and contributions, even if you disagree with them.
Applying one or two of these tips will help you communicate more efficiently, effectively and gently.
Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a , with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.
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