After extensive scientific research and general trivial frustration incurred on a daily basis, I would like to report and see if there may be any possible diplomatic or academic solution to cure the onslaught of new linguistic dialogue we now face. While we have all had the mind boggling number of e-mails sent to us that help us to translate from any number of sources, I have been truly struck by the amount of time we all seem to spend being sarcastic to one another.
?Sarcasm,? you say, ?what sarcasm??
If you have spent any amount of time with a teenager you will all attest to this sarcasm parade. With seven little bears, one papa bear and momma bear to contend with, it?s become an insurmountable fact that our humble home has become a veritable ground zero for sarcastic wonder. I submit the following to support my case.
Example No. 1: Potentially the most common answer to nearly every question or remark is, ?yeah.?
After deep soul searching, attention to facial expressions, and reaction times calculated I have deducted that ?yeah? literally translates to: ?No, why were you so ridiculous to ask in the first place??
Example No. 2: The question, ?How was your day kiddo?? is answered by, ?good.?
?Good? is loose translation for, ?I have several psychological problems that can be attributed to the amount of homework, chores, and housework that I have to complete on a daily basis. My problems can be directly attributed to the lack of texting/seeing/e-mailing my friends on a daily, hourly, or on a minute by minute basis. In addition, my TV and/or relaxing time is wholly ruined by the need to commune with you about my day and then finding my floor in my room under what you have deemed ?the junk pile? or ?hurricane disaster area.??
Who knew?
Example No. 3: Question, ?What did you learn at school today?? Answer, ?Nothing ??
This is translated to, ?We discovered the molecular mass of a proton is N to the 10th power squared but cannot be truly relied on by quantum mechanics until the string theory is either verified or discounted. Mathematically it may seem possible, but otherwise in today?s world, we cannot give a positive answer without solid basis. We also played dodge ball at recess.?
As my babies have taught me to say, ?My bad!?
The ultimate sarcastic word though is ?fine!? The most illusive of all sarcastic words, the meanings of this word seem to be endless. For a complete understanding you need the following: age and gender of the user of ?fine? and the age and gender of the recipient; are there any objects worth throwing at the recipient of said sarcasm?
While I can truly say there is no safe way to respond to ?fine? I offer only the following: if you are in fact a male receipt of ?fine? and the user of ?fine? is a momma bear, the probability of things being ?fine? is extremely low. You should immediately apologize, genuflect and beg for forgiveness. Even if you have no idea what is ?fine,? this seems to be the most appropriate action.
Yes, sarcasm is everywhere, I need answers, I need solutions, I need to know why!
Why this concern about the growth of such a common practice in today?s world? Well as with most of my life, my family inspires me. One evening we chose to remove our local pests from our dugout. After careful aiming, a long breath, I squeezed the trigger ? BANG! A miss, the slap of tail and our neighbour lives to see another day.
With a sigh I reload, and Momma Bear expresses herself in ever so gracious form, ?Wow! Great shot, dear! Two or three more like that and you?ll really scare the hell out of him and then he?ll run away for sure! I bet he?s gone for good!?
There you have it, the epitome of sarcasm as only the love of your life can deliver. With all the love in my heart and with absolute determination not to participate in sarcastic language I offer this little prayer for my loving Momma Bear.
I hope her house cat brings her another mouse.
