Ed, my neighbour next door, has a very sweet elderly mother. She is so pleasant I have asked Ed, "Are you sure this is your mother?" Then I add, "She is too nice to possibly be your mom."
Ed never gets upset when I say these things. He says he has heard it all before. Recently, Ed's mom has had to make her home at a nursing home and the adjustment has been difficult. Although she has lots of people around her there, she has come down with a problem that is not easy to solve - she is very lonely.
Instead of understanding her problem, Ed grumbles that his mother is not forgotten. Ed likes to give reasons why his mom should not be lonely. He claims, "Her family visits her more now than when she was in her home. She eats her meals daily, with three other people, not by herself like she did at home. It is not like she is now on a deserted island where there is no one to talk to but herself and the wind. How can she be lonely when there is no lack of people at the nursing home?"
"Loneliness isn't about being with people, but feeling connected to those around us. New situations and people are hard to work through. Loneliness disappears when we feel understood. It is hard to trust ourselves and others when we are feeling vulnerable and out of place. Feeling that you belong somewhere means being patient with yourself and others, which is hard to do," I told Ed.
"Do you listen and encourage your mom to share her feelings of loneliness or do you try to dismiss her feelings or talk her out of them? Your mom needs to believe you understand or are trying to understand her feelings of loneliness," I observed.
"What if I don't understand her loneliness?" Ed asked.
"Be honest and tell your mom you don't understand her feelings of loneliness, but you are trying to. Give her the opportunity to tell you more about her struggle with it," I suggested.
"It seems to me she is whining and I cannot be patient long," answered Ed.
"Work at it. Your mom has been patient with you. It is your turn to return the blessing," I replied. "Just remember your mom doesn't need your help and love less because she is in a nursing home but more. All the people around her there cannot replace her family as her most important loved ones" I commented.
"What are you, some advocate for lonely people in nursing homes?" Ed demanded.
"You bet, the nursing home is only good if it helps families take care of their elderly parents and relatives through continued visits, attention, interaction, and understanding," I answered.
"You are just talking so much because you know that you will soon be in a nursing home and you are looking for good treatment," scoffed Ed.
"Isn't that what you want for your mother?" I asked Ed.
