Last week I was put in the unlikely position of defending a sumo wrestler. Surprised? Me too. Let’s imagine the scene of mayhem. Lunging before this massive warrior as protector, I, a great, hulking woman possessing bulging muscles and an ugly sneer, would assume a wide, aggressive stance. With arms spread intimidatingly, brow furrowed with determination, and a growl of, “Go ahead, make my day” issuing from my lips, I would face down the enemy.
The truth was far less dramatic.
The wrestler is actually five years old and cringed beside the kindergarten lunch table wearing an inflatable sumo costume. His life wasn’t jeopardized. He was just concerned his airy suit might be punctured by classmates who were taking turns poking his “puffiness” with candy-induced fervour. I shooed them away. However, you have to admit my first statement sounded impressive! Have you ever had to safeguard a sumo wrestler?
How about this? Have you ever seen a firefighter, a CF-18 pilot and a fairy princess enter a heated argument over the fate of a Holstein cow? I have, on that same day. You’re really missing out on life’s many enjoyments if you haven’t been privy to such an event.
There was this fighter pilot see, and after scrabbling around under a table for reasons best known to himself, he suddenly leapt forth clutching some nameless prize in his hand. With a whoop of triumph, he raised a small plastic cow into the air. Grasping it in a grubby paw, he raced to the scaled model of a large red barn, closely followed by a firefighter. Without preamble, the two fell into bitter dispute over the destiny of the aforementioned Holstein.
“I think a cow should be inside,” said the firefighter, straightening his unwieldy hat as it threatened to topple from his head into a container of Halloween cupcakes thoughtfully provided by a mysterious ghost and a kind teacher.
“No. It should be outside eating grass,” argued the pilot. Grimly he clasped the Holstein to his chest, and with the other hand held off the advances of the fireman with all the authority accorded him by the Royal Canadian Airforce.
Enter a fairy princess. (Let’s just say up front it’s hard to win an argument against a princess, let alone a fairy princess.)
“How ‘bout we tie him to the wall with a rope,” she suggested sweetly. Extending her sparkly wand, the princess touched the cow lightly on its horns and flitted away. The boys gazed at her with admiration. What an idea! What a princess!
Forgetting their dispute in the heat of this glorious moment of inspiration, the fireman and the pilot wrapped a short noose about the unsuspecting cow’s neck. Then employing every lesson they’d learned to date about co-operation and fair play, they worked as one to thread the string through a hole in the roof and hoist the unprotesting beast into the air. Soon the black and white bovine was suspended from the rafters of its sturdy plastic barn. It swung to and fro, a pleased smile of contentment plastered on its solid face.
Perhaps, in the end, the question is not, “Have you ever seen an elephant fly” but rather “Have you ever seen a Holstein hung?”
Helen lives on the family farm near Marshall, Sask. where she is author, columnist and works in education. To contact her, or learn more about her humorous Prairie Wool Books or YA fantasy series, go to helentoews.com or write Box 55, Marshall, Sask. S0M1R0
