?Mom, Dad, I?m pregnant!!?
As I very ungraciously cough my potatoes onto the remains of my meal, I quickly run through the list of all the carefully played out conversations to respond to any of our children?s ?firsts? with dignity and grace.
Momma Bear has stopped eating altogether and sits with a slowly growing smile on her face. When I can muster my voice again, sage words of wisdom explode from my lips, ?Holy #(*&@#$ !!!!?
In nature there are many recorded and documented cases of parents eating their offspring when said offspring become too cumbersome, clingy, a general nuisance or other forms of sustenance are in short supply. God as my witness, I have considered this option on numerous occasions, but have not acted on this impulse to date.
So maybe it wasn?t the opener I had in mind, but I quickly regained my composure and while the ladies jump and hug and cry with joy, I shake the hand of the young man across the table and say, ?Congratulations son.?
Many happy moments since: Momma Bear refusing the title of Grandma in favour of ?MeeMah,? phone calls regarding morning sickness, doctor appointments and an endless discussion about the name of the child. (please note: I think Cleotus Junior is the only logical choice, but my suggestion goes unheeded at this time.)
MeeMah recently booked our mother-to-be into UC Baby in Saskatoon, a relatively new type of ultrasound technology and computer assisted imaging to view baby in 3D and 4D. To be honest I was a little sceptical at first, but the experience was truly impressive.
Terra, our 3D ultrasound technician, was an excellent guide showing us several angles, including 10 fingers, 10 toes, a beautiful little face and, of course, gender. The online broadcast was a great option because it shared the experience with great-grandparents, friends, and family in real time.
We discovered our ?grandson? is completely healthy and happy in 3D and while Momma Bear and Mother-in-Waiting watched with watery eyes, smiles, and hugs, I sat speechless with only one thought on my mind, ?I told them Cleotus Junior was the only logical name!?
To my baby girl become mom, thanks for a grandson. You done good and I know you will make us proud as a great mom.
A tip of the hat to UC Baby for an experience I will not soon forget.
To all you future grandmas and grandpas, I offer this. It is our time to shine as dysfunctional pseudo-parents that feed baby too much sugar, let them get away with nearly everything and generally enjoy all the things you swore you would not teach your own kids.
You really need to get a grandbaby today if you don?t already have one! They come in an array of genders, sizes, makes and models and a lifetime guarantee of fun. And the best part,? they come with a Grandparents? warranty!!
If you find you have a grandbaby that is too noisy, has an upset stomach, won?t sleep, won?t eat, is generally ornery, is playing ?name that regurgitated food,? has chicken pox, flu-bug, cold, unhappiness, crying, yelping, has worn you out, displays a complete disregard for your afternoon nap, has shaved the cat, shot the dog with a Nerf-gun one too many times, broken a window, annoyed the neighbour, has sustained noise levels above 80 decibels, smells like it may have eaten a dead critter, or any other defect not to your liking, you have a guaranteed ?return policy? warranty to said parent!
Heck, if Chev offered a warranty policy like this I may even be convinced to buy one of their trucks!
Thank goodness I never exercised option B on the offspring consumption policy because now I get to enjoy the full benefits of my Grandparents warranty. Thank God for grandkids, a parents? reward for not eating their own.
