When life losses and deaths have impacted our lives we look at the Christmas season as less than merry and wish the calendar would skip from November to January says Margaret Robinson, a support counsellor.
When family structure has been shattered by grief the crowds, music, decorations, shopping and the talk of family gathering is almost more than one can bear, she says.
How one care about gift giving when the one we love is no longer present or another trauma has effected life and all that is seen is darkness and pain. What about traditions such as card sending, the tree, the stockings and the "family dinner?" Dread and anxiety rather than peace and joy fill the heart.
Robinson provides these suggestions:
Put ideas on paper as to what you may want the holiday season to look like in a meaningful way, knowing that it will be a difficult time.
Make the celebration of Christmas a season rather than a day (Dec. 1 to Jan. 7).
Remember to care for your self by eating nutritiously, taking time to rest and exercise when the pace of life speeds up. You may even give your self permission to enjoy attending a concert or just buying a gift for yourself.
If sending cards is important , photocopy a greeting and include your loved one's name with "in memory." If the task is difficult invite a friend or family member to assist in addressing envelopes.
Discuss with family what everyone would like to do and compromise until you arrive at a plan that will meet everyone's needs.
If children are involved keep them informed and be honest and real and share teary times, too.
Make a list of what you do and don't want to do.
If the hustle of holiday shopping is overwhelming resort to mail ordering, gift card, shopping earlier in the day or shop out of town this year. Consider taking a friend and make it a social outing , too.
Be careful not to overspend in money, time and energy to compensate for the sadness.
If you are considering putting up a tree, put it up early, in a different space. Invite friends or family to help decorate. The evergreen is a symbol of permanency of love and continuation of life.
If needed, change traditions for this year or perhaps it will be an ongoing change.
Accept your limitations and keep plans simple. Don't burden your self with thoughts of 'should' and 'should not have.'
If a family meal is planned get guests to each bring a dish or dessert.
Let people have permission to share memories of your loved one.
Spend some quiet time reflecting, listening to up lifting music, meditating., praying or writing in a journal. Be prepared for tears and remember they are a form of healing.
Balance quiet times and social times and remember you need to be with people who care. Choose activities that bring peace and joy not chaos and added pain. If you are at a function let the hostess know you may want to leave early and have transportation to leave.
Life is fragile, handle with prayer and love and remember to tell those you care about that they are loved and let them love you , too.
The Walking Through Grief Society also says that how we live the rest of our lives is how we will honour our loved one and offers these suggestions:
At a meal time blessing include the loved one's name.
If funds are available donate to a favorite charity in your loved one's name.
Take flowers to a hospital or church.
Light a candle on Christmas day to honour your loved one.
If visiting the grave, go with a friend and put a decoration on.
Write out an intangible gift given by your loved one and share that (ex. sense of humour).
Hang their stocking and have guests write a memory they have of your loved one to share later.
The grief journey is unique to each person as they are unique and there is no right or wrong way to grieve nor a time for grieving to be over, Robinson says. She adds seeking out support of others who have journeyed before, a support group and those friends who can be trusted with your pain of loss is important.
