I鈥檒l bet that title grabbed your attention, didn鈥檛 it?
This week鈥檚 column is all about that thing we all love to talk about from time to time, DEATH.
Just kidding.聽 Well, technically, not really.
In my view, we take the topic of death far too seriously.聽 Now, of course it鈥檚 a serious topic to begin with, but does it absolutely have to be THAT serious ALL the time?
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 here to 鈥減ut the FUN back in FUNeral鈥� or anything like that, but I do think there鈥檚 a monotonous, almost-depressing ritual that plays out when the rest of us living folks are conducting ourselves in the event of someone鈥檚 passing.
The atmosphere is pretty much the same: everything is so somber, everyone is talking in hushed tones, everyone鈥檚 afraid to smile or laugh, and black is the preferred color when choosing one鈥檚 wardrobe.
That pretty much sums up every funeral I鈥檝e ever been to.聽 And then there鈥檚 the *other* thing that isn鈥檛 quite a funeral in the formal sense, but rather a 鈥渃elebration of life鈥�.聽 I鈥檒l tell ya, the last thing that most of these occasions end up feeling like is a celebration; no one ever wants to take the open mic to say a few words, we鈥檙e all just sitting around eating free food that someone else paid for, and half the people in the room are waiting to go outside for a smoke.
Yup, real humdinger of a celebration.
I like to think that my father鈥檚 funeral service came off differently than most and that it wasn鈥檛 an overly-somber or sad affair.聽 Jack died on a Monday, and we were celebrating JR and his impact on our world by that Friday.聽 The service was held in the Conquest rink, a building that, along with many other local men, was forged by Jack鈥檚 own hands.聽 Luckily, it was a 鈥渟ellout crowd鈥� by the time we Ruttles walked inside to take our seats at the front, so my family and I were glad to see that Dad was able to draw one last full house to send him off.聽 If this were the boxing world, it鈥檇 be like Muhammad Ali selling out Madison Square Garden one more time.
It was sad, but it just didn鈥檛 feel overly sad, know what I mean?聽 The tears had been shed 鈥� buckets of them 鈥� and it was now just time to reflect on the man who made such an indelible mark on everyone.
Hopefully, my own demise is still a lifetime from now, but as far as any final wishes go, here鈥檚 what I came up with鈥�
In the immediate aftermath of my death, which I can only hope will come as the end result of some heroic act such as saving kittens from a burning building, or perhaps protecting a family of campers from a grizzly armed with an assault rifle due to its grammatically-confusing, right-wing belief that "even a bear can bear arms", my family and friends will soon be informed that I've designated a tidy sum of money to cover the bar tab.
This tab will cover a round of shots for the entire bar, as well as a few refills of whatever beverage you choose to consume.聽 As far as food goes, you鈥檙e on your own.聽 I鈥檓 buying my friends and family a final few drinks, not overpriced plates of hot wings because you couldn鈥檛 be bothered to eat beforehand.
I may also arrange for some very attractive women - a redhead, a blonde and a brunette; in other words, "one of each" for those who prefer less-finite details - to stand above my casket/urn and cry out in anger at my demise in full view of everyone.聽 My hope is that at least one total stranger makes a comment about my prowess with the opposite sex, and that my leaving this earth has utterly devastated them.
From there, out at the cemetery, my wish is to have someone posing as an old-timer boxing referee stand over my grave counting to ten, with a dramatic pause for effect at the count of seven in the faint hope that I make a staggering comeback.聽 When I don't make it out of the ground for another round, my best friends will be instructed to throw a towel on my headstone, where it is to remain until the wind sees fit to carry it off.
My funeral, celebration of life, party that we鈥檙e not calling a party because someone鈥檚 dead for God鈥檚 sake, whatever you want to call it, will not be an overly-somber affair because I鈥檓 not an overly-somber person.
You can regard this as a humorous take on funerals and the afterlife, but I assure you that I intend to use my passing to hopefully be funny, sarcastic, emotional (but not too much) and definitely one of a kind, traits that I hope I've carried in my time on this earth.聽
In the end, shouldn't these things help represent the person you're all supposed to be there for in the first place?
For this week, that鈥檚 been the Ruttle Report.
