聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 Katrina and her friend just walked in the door from trick or treating, gleefully spilling their very full pillowcases on the floor to peruse their hard-won spoils.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 For a little fun, I figured this would be a good time for a lesson on life.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 All kids know about the 鈥減arent tax鈥� when it comes to trick or treat loot. So I reached over into her pile and grabbed a handful of candy.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淭his is personal income tax,鈥� I said.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Reaching in for another handful, I commented, 鈥淭his is GST.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Groping one more time, as her eyes started looking alarmed, I said, 鈥淎nd this is PST.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 One more handful. 鈥淭his is property tax.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I notice glowering from the girl.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Then I grabbed my hardhat and scooped up even more. 鈥淎nd this is Trudeau鈥檚 carbon tax!鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Being a nice dad, she got a generous rebate.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I realized later that I should have taken three Snickers bars for small business tax, since she does invoice me when she helps with my photography, thus is a business person.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Therefore I should take two pop cans for capital gains, because, really, no one deserves that many full 351 mL pop cans. The third pop can 鈥� well that鈥檚 high income surtax, because so many pop cans surely make her a one-percenter.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 She can鈥檛 share with her brother, because that would be income sprinkling.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Half of the Doritos are taxable as capital gains, obviously, since she exceeded her lifetime exemption last year, and she neglected to store any bags of tacos under her bed as part of her tax-free savings account.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Now, if she was smart, she would put away 18 per cent of her candies, i.e. all the potato chips, for when she turns 65. That, of course, would be exempt. But I will have to tax the then-52-year-old potato chips, assuming I鈥檓 still alive at the age of 95. Hopefully her potato chip nest egg grows at an interest rate higher than the rate of inflation.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A small KitKat? That鈥檚 federal excise tax on gasoline for rides to air cadets. The small Coffee Crisp? Provincial excise tax on gasoline, naturally.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The Jujubes package is municipal surcharge tax on the power bill for her bedroom.
A while ago she had asked if she could move to a downstairs bedroom. If I let her, she鈥檇 have to pay a land transfer tax of 0.30 per cent of the value of the property's value. That鈥檚 a large Mars Bar, thank you.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 And since, for her, this is really temporary accommodations until she鈥檚 18, there should be a hotel tax (one Swedish Berries) and entertainment tax for use of the TV and Netflix (one small Smarties box).
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I told her 25 per cent of her haul was going to kids who didn鈥檛 feel like going trick or treating.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Her response was, 鈥淚t鈥檚 not my fault they鈥檙e too fat and lazy to go walk outside.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 She鈥檚 probably lucky she doesn鈥檛 live in Norway, where she might have been lucky to walk away with three Tootsie Rolls.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Katrina continues to ask me about career choices.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The other day she asked me if an accountant spends his or her day counting money. I replied that no, actually, most of an accountant鈥檚 job is figuring out ways for clients to pay less tax. That might have more meaning for her now.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Maybe she can hire her friend to be her accountant. The professional fees will be two Twizzlers and an Aero Bar.聽聽聽聽聽聽聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 That accountant friend will point out she should be looking for every single exemption she can find.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 For instance, she can claim half of her meal of a Mr. Big Bar as a deduction, as long as she is doing legitimate business.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Under either the simplified or detailed method, she could claim one meal after every four hours from the departure time, to a maximum of three meals per day.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 And since her temporary accommodations (bedroom) could count as a home-based business, she should be able to write off the power for her room, heating and insurance 鈥� but only for that percentage of square footage used for actual business.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 If she leased her bicycle, there could be a savings there too, if she didn鈥檛 want to do cost capital allowance depreciation. Doing these deductions could reduce her tax bill a bit.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I鈥檓 guessing that for all her effort, she might save herself five suckers.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 She will, of course, be allowed to keep her Sour Patch Kids, for the sour taste left in her mouth in the end.
