聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 Ole Johansen and Stewart Campbell were having a cook-off with various strange Norwegian and Scottish dishes. It鈥檚 a well-known fact that the Vikings spent a lot of time on the Scottish shores and even in the Highlands, so some of these dishes might have had the same origin.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Stewart presented with flair a fully prepared Scottish dish of 鈥渉aggis,鈥� which is traditionally made from a sheep鈥檚 stomach cleaned out and stuffed with ground sheep鈥檚 heart, lungs, trimmings, onions, oatmeal and various spices, and then boiled. 鈥淗eid doon arse up (get on with it)!鈥� said Stewart to Ole.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淔y flate (nelly)!鈥� said Ole, who proceeded to present his 鈥渇氓rik氓l,鈥� or lamb in cabbage, which is traditionally made from lamb meat trimmings and cabbage layered in a pot with whole peppercorns. It stinks so badly while cooking that the kitchen smells like a fetid two-seater outhouse.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Next, Ole presented the traditional Norwegian dish of 鈥渓utefisk,鈥� or fish soaked in lye, which is made from spring caught codfish, cleaned, split and hung on a wooden rack on a cliff by the ocean to dry over the summer and fall, causing the meat to shrivel up as it dries. The dried fish is then soaked in lye to make the meat swell up again, followed by fresh water rinses until the lye is removed. Then the fish is boiled and served with melted butter. 鈥淪l氓 den (beat that)!鈥漵aid Ole.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淎ll yer eggs are double-yakit (you鈥檙e a boastful windbag)!鈥� said Stewart, who smiled and presented 鈥渃rappit heid,鈥� meaning 鈥渟tuffed large head of cod fish.鈥� The head is hollowed out, washed and descaled before ramming it full of oats, suet, onions and white pepper.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Stewart then presented 鈥渃ullen skink,鈥� which is a properly seasoned fish soup made from haddock and veggies. Stewart looked at Ole and said, 鈥淵er aywis at the coo鈥檚 tail (hurry up! You鈥檙e always dragging your feet)!鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Ole shook his head and said 鈥淣ei n氓 skal du se (now watch this)!鈥� and presented his traditional Norwegian dish of 鈥渞akfisk,鈥漚 fish dish聽made from trout聽or sometimes char, salted and fermented聽for two to three months, or even up to a year, then served without cooking.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Then Ole followed up with another traditional dish called 鈥渕酶lje,鈥� which is a special thin flatbread soaked in fish stock and served with salt and pepper to taste. 鈥淜an du gj酶re bedre enn det (can you do better than that)?鈥� asked Ole.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淜eep the heid (stay calm)!鈥� answered Stewart, who brought forth 鈥渇atty cutty,鈥� a similar Scottish dish with the consistency of bannock.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Stewart sat down with a big smile and thought he had clearly won the cooking contest, but that鈥檚 when Ole brought forth an old traditional Norwegian dish called 鈥淪malahove,鈥漺hich comes from the words 鈥渟mala鈥� meaning 鈥渟heep鈥� and 鈥渉ove鈥� meaning 鈥渉ead.鈥� The skin and fleece of the head is first torched then salted and smoked. The head is then steamed for about three hours and served whole on a metal platter, whereupon the chef, using a hammer and chisel, splits the head in half. The brain is scooped out and served separately. Norwegian akevitt is also served with this dish.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Stewart couldn鈥檛 match Ole鈥檚 鈥渓efse,鈥� which is a flat, thin potato cake, and really threw in the towel when Ole served the famous Norwegian desert dish聽鈥渞酶mmegr酶t,鈥� or sour cream porridge. Ole was declared the winner!
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Just so that you get an idea of how popular 鈥渓utefisk鈥� is, please see the following quote from Garrison Keillor's book聽Pontoon: 鈥淟utefisk is cod that has been dried in a lye solution. It looks like the desiccated cadavers of squirrels run over by trucks, but after it is soaked and reconstituted and the lye is washed out and it's cooked, it looks more fish-related, though with lutefisk, the window of success is small. It can be tasty, but the statistics aren鈥檛 on your side. It is the hereditary delicacy of Swedes and Norwegians who serve it around the holidays in memory of their ancestors, who ate it because they were poor. Most lutefisk is not edible by normal people. It is reminiscent of the afterbirth of a dog or the world's largest chunk of phlegm.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Election time in the United States is getting nearer, and just consider if a woman from Wisconsin with Norwegian parents becomes president.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A few days after the election the president elect, whose name is Gunhild, called her father, Ole, and said,聽鈥淒ad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淚 don't think so,鈥� said Ole.聽鈥淚t's an 18-hour drive.鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淒on't worry about it Dad. I'll send Air Force One and a limousine will pick you up at your door,鈥� said Gunhild.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淚 don't know,鈥� said Ole, 鈥渨hat would your mother wear?鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淥h Dad,鈥� replied Gunhild, 鈥淚'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淥h honey,鈥� Ole complained, 鈥測ou know I can't eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve akevitt?鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The president elect responded, 鈥淒on't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by a Norwegian caterer serving rakfisk wrapped in lefse as an appetizer, with a main course of lutefisk and r酶mmegr酶t for dessert. You and mom just have to be there.鈥澛燬o Ole reluctantly agreed and on January 20, Gunhild is being sworn in as President of the United States.聽In the front row sat the new president's parents.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Dad noticed the senator from Wisconsin sitting next to him, leaned over and whispered,聽鈥淵ou see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The senator whispered back, 鈥淵ou bet I do.鈥澛�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Ole said proudly, 鈥淗er brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.鈥�
