聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 Dear Road & Track:
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I know your name is not John, but perhaps it should be. Maybe one of your columnists is named John. I don鈥檛 know.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I haven鈥檛 read any of your pages for a long time. So this letter isn鈥檛 just to that possible John, but you, collectively, as John. This is a Dear John letter.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I no longer read you while sitting on the, well, john.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A few years ago, I thought I would inspire my kids to read more. So as part of their Christmas extravaganza, I went online and subscribed to National Geographic for Katrina, and National Geographic Kids for Spencer.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 While Spencer did read his regularly, I don鈥檛 know if Katrina read one.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But that was kinda okay, because I figured I would get around to reading them, too. After all, when my stepdad, Brad, came into my life, he brought with him about a decade鈥檚 worth of National Geographic, and that was a pretty good side benefit.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Now how does this concern you, Road & Track? You see, when I was liberally applying my VISA number, expiration date and three-digit security code on magazine subscriptions, the Internet suggested I could also get a subscription to Road & Track for a very, very good deal. Popular Mechanics, too.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 As a young lad, I would spend copious amounts of time standing at the newsstand at the local Loaf 鈥榥鈥� Jug convenience store, first perusing the comics, then flipping through Popular Mechanics and Popular Science.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But as I got older, and my high school required us to sell magazine subscriptions so the school could afford to send our (my) debate team to nerd (debate) tournaments, I had different interests. Now, instead of comics, I was into cars, especially since I was driving a 鈥�67 Buick LeSabre. Not quire a muscle car, but close enough.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Thus, at the time, I sold subscriptions to myself for Car and Driver and Road & Track. I would read through detailed descriptions of new cars I would never be able to afford, soaking in the formula writing about understeer and grip on the skid pad.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I might have been driving a car eight years older than I was, but I was still, at this point, a bit of a wheel nut.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I read your columnists, and your reviews, your ads, cover-to-cover. Then I went to university, and could no longer afford renewals, or much else, for that matter.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Step forward a couple decades to December 2015, and I bought another subscription, as part of the follow-on suggestions to National Geographic. A few weeks later, my first copy arrived.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 And I put it to the side.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Then another copy arrived. I think it, or maybe the third, ended up on the floor and getting stepped on and wrinkled. I don鈥檛 know how, but it did.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Eventually, a full year were delivered. I think I might have thumbed through the pages of one or two editions, but I don鈥檛 think I read one article all year.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 It鈥檚 not you, Road & Track, it鈥檚 me.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I鈥檝e changed. I鈥檝e moved on with my life. I buy vehicles with the intention of keeping them for a decade or so. My testosterone level no longer spikes when I read about high-horsepower Bugatti or Ferrari sports cars.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 That will never be my world, so I鈥檓 not fantasizing about it anymore. The Jedi aren鈥檛 my world, either, but that鈥檚 an entirely different ballgame. Don鈥檛 go there.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Yet, like an abandoned lover who hasn鈥檛 figured out the legal definition of stalking, you won鈥檛 leave me alone.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 For months afterward, my dead-tree mailbox continues to be filled with your love letters. Come back to me, you seem to plead forlornly. We can get back to together. Give me just one more chance.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I wonder, each time, if I wrote 鈥渞eturn to sender, recipient deceased,鈥� and dropped it back in the outgoing mail, would that end all my other mail?
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Most of these love letters I have left unopened. Some went straight into the recycle bin. Others sat on my desk for several months, first. Some get torn apart before being recycled. Others have been shredded.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Yet on the last mail delivery day of the year 2017, there is but another love letter from you, Road & Track. 鈥淔or Brian Zinchuk鈥檚 use only,鈥� it says in all-caps. 鈥淒o Not Discard鈥� is stamped there, too.聽聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 OK, fine, I鈥檒l open it. Oh my goodness. I can get a whole year at the 鈥淶inchuk rate鈥� of $12. And if I want to add a year of Car and Driver, it鈥檚 just $5 more. That鈥檚 like one Starbuck鈥檚 venti cappuccino. Or is it grande? Why can鈥檛 they just say 鈥渓arge?鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Your road tests are enticing, Road & Track. I鈥檇 like to get back into bed with you, reading before I go to sleep, but really, you just put me to sleep now. There鈥檚 no spark, no drive, to our relationship anymore.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 It鈥檚 time for your stalking to end.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Yours no longer truly,
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Brian Zinchuk
