聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 聽 I set up No. 1 daughter, Katrina, with her own computer, Lightroom 4 and Photoshop Elements 13.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The first thing she did was Photoshop my head onto Peter Griffin's body. That鈥檚 Peter Griffin, the Family Guy; heh, heh.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I walked her though how to do it, including using the magic wand to erase Peter鈥檚 head, and the clone tool to get rid of my hand resting on the tripod.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But the work was most definitely hers. And I realized she did turn me into a passable Family Guy.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 All she needed was a giant chicken for me to fight. That鈥檚 next week鈥檚 lesson.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The ironic thing is the talking dog is named Brian. But he looks nothing like me. Peter does.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I had to think about that. I look like a morbidly obese cartoon character. My chin, or lack thereof, is even a close approximation. So is my gut hanging over the very necessary belt.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 This is what my daughter sees of me. Not the pipeliner who had ABS, or the teenager who used to work out three times a week and bike 10 kilometres a day, fitting into 28-inch waist jeans.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 She sees me, and I guess for most of her life has seen me, as an ever-increasingly rotund tub of lard.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Shut up, Meg, I mean, Katrina. (If you watch the show, you鈥檒l get it.)
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 As it so happens, the day before this occurred, our production staff were updating the rate card for Pipeline News, putting all the pertinent information on it like what we charge for ads, what we鈥檙e going to focus on, and who to call.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 This is where we include the mugshots, or floating heads, of those people. Jihyun asked me about replacing my floating head photo. She asked how old it was. She said I looked so young.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I was young, like 28-years-old young. I explained that was taken in North Battleford yet, probably in 2003. In other words, it鈥檚 about 14.5 years old. And I only had one chin then. Well, okay, 1.5 chins. But definitely a more oval than round face.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 I suggested she go with a photo from 2014, because, hey, it鈥檚 sorta newer. And I鈥檓 wearing a hardhat in it. Columnists never age. They just don鈥檛 update their floating heads.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 As I write this on January 4, 鈥檛is the season for people to sign up for gym memberships based on New Year鈥檚 resolutions, then promptly begin never using said memberships.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Yeah, I won鈥檛 be one of them. I keep planning on buying a treadmill, but it hasn鈥檛 happened yet.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 It鈥檚 partly my wife鈥檚 fault. She feeds me too well. I blame my mom as well. She taught me how to cook. If she had neglected that, perhaps I would be skinnier today.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 In the news business, normal people tend to get intimidated by people with large cameras hanging around their necks, even if the camera-bearer is roly-poly.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Thus, I find it鈥檚 useful to open with a disarming, self-deprecating joke. In many cases, I鈥檒l make some reference to me being fat and ugly. That鈥檚 usually good for a laugh.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 But that鈥檚 kinda backfired recently, as our son, Spencer, has picked up on my joke and now occasionally refers to me as 鈥淔attie.鈥� He thinks it鈥檚 funny. My mother is appalled when she hears that, thinking it highly disrespectful.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 So I tell him, 鈥淣o, sir. That鈥檚 my joke, Spencer. I can make fun of me, you can鈥檛. That鈥檚 disrespectful.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 We鈥檙e still working on that.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 The reality is that 鈥淔attie鈥� is a.) funny, and b.) truthful. So you can鈥檛 fault the kid for lying, because he鈥檚 not.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 In one episode from the fifth season of Family Guy, Peter describes himself with 鈥渂ulging ripplyness鈥� after one visit to the gym.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 He was inspired to get in shape after losing a fight with an aquarium octopus. After giving himself a hernia trying to lift up Bill Clinton鈥檚 limo to repair a flat tire, he ends up in hospital, explaining what happened to his family.聽
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 鈥淚 thought I was just out of shape, but that鈥檚 not it at all. I鈥檝e got to face the fact that, I鈥檓 just getting old,鈥� he said.
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Peter told Clinton, 鈥淚鈥檓 starting to realize I鈥檓 not as young as I used to be.鈥�
聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 Amen, brother.
