I was recently approached by a local TV station for an interview. The interviewer was a slick looking individual with an overbearing attitude, reminding me of a used car salesman I once had the displeasure of dealing with. The following is how the interview proceeded:
Interviewer: 鈥淕ood Morning, my name is John Smith, you can call me John and I鈥檒l be asking you some questions: how are you this morning Mr. Askildt?鈥�
Me: 鈥� I鈥檓 great; John is it? Like the toilet? Is your middle name Biffy?鈥�
John smiling (he has to, he鈥檚 on TV): 鈥淵ou have an interesting first name, how do you pronounce that?鈥�
Me: 鈥淚t鈥檚 pronounced like鈥淐ore-eh!鈥�
John: 鈥淚nteresting! That is indeed an unusual name!鈥�
Me: 鈥淣ot my choice of name, but you may call me Corey.鈥�
John: 鈥淣ot your choice? What would have been your choice for a first name?
Me: 鈥淚t would have been Kjell but that name was taken; they gave it to my twin brother who I pushed out of the womb just ahead of me. Being that he was older he was named first. But he and I were always on first name basis! The name Kjell is pronounced like Chelsea without the sea, and means 鈥減rotector,鈥� and Kaare means 鈥渂ent.鈥� So I guess our parents wanted my brother to protect me, as I鈥檓 slightly bent!鈥�
John: 鈥淵ou seem to have a humorous side, but please answer all my questions seriously. I understand you have become an author now that you have retired?鈥�
Me: 鈥淪eriously!鈥�
John: 鈥淪eriously, as in that鈥檚 correct?鈥�
Me: 鈥淪eriously!鈥�
John: 鈥淲hy do you answer me like that?鈥�
Me: 鈥淪eriously!鈥�
John, not looking amused: 鈥淭hat鈥檚 your answer? Seriously?鈥�
Me: 鈥淲ell, you told me to answer all your questions seriously, so I did!鈥�
John: 鈥淥kay, what I meant was to give me a serious answer!鈥�
Me: 鈥淥h, okay!鈥�
John: 鈥淪o, what did you do when you retired from the insurance industry?鈥�
Me: 鈥淚 tried farming first, which prompted me to become a writer.鈥�
John: 鈥淲hy did that make you become a writer?鈥�
Me: 鈥淚 wanted to share my follies with others and to make them laugh at my feeble attempt at becoming a farmer. I had to embellish a little to make the funny stories even funnier.鈥�
John: 鈥淲hat鈥檚 your favourite book?鈥�
Me: 鈥�The Heedless Norseman!鈥�
John: 鈥淲hy that book?鈥�
Me: 鈥淏ecause it is funny!鈥�
John: 鈥淗ow did you find it funny?鈥�
Me: 鈥淔irst I wrote it, then I read it and then I laughed!鈥�
John: 鈥淛ust to get to know you better, what鈥檚 your favourite movie?鈥�
Me: 鈥�Blazing Saddles, especially the bean eating fart scene!鈥�
John: 鈥淗mm! Do you have a favourite quote?鈥�
Me: 鈥淵ep! My grandson Connor once said, 鈥淗ey grampa! You think you鈥檙e smart? Come on over and help me with my homework!鈥�
John: What鈥檚 your favourite animal?
Me: 鈥淏eside our dog Lady and our horse Spur, I would say hyena 鈥檆ause they laugh a lot!鈥�
John: 鈥淲hat鈥檚 your favourite food?鈥�
Me being politically correct: 鈥淲hatever my wife cooks, except Kraft dinner!鈥�
John: 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 you like Kraft dinner?鈥�
Me: 鈥淢r. Kraft was originally from Canada, but moved to Chicago where he built his cheesy business. He developed Kraft dinner during the depression in 1930, and the one and only time I ate Kraft dinner I got very depressed thinking, 鈥業s this what the world has come to? Macaroni with powdered cheese? What happened to a T-bone steak, baked potato and a glass of red wine?鈥欌��
John: 鈥淲hy did you become a farmer?鈥�
Me: 鈥淲e wanted to raise our own T-bone steaks, pork chops, bacon, leg of lamb, roasted chickens and omelettes, and grow the greens to go with them.鈥�
John: 鈥淗ow did that work out for you?鈥�
Me: 鈥淛ust great! We were constantly broke due to feed costs. It would have been cheaper to buy the meat, veggies and eggs in the store!鈥�
John: 鈥淚s that true?鈥�
Me: 鈥淣o, not really! But as farmers we did find out that buying high and selling low, was not conducive to amassing any wealth!鈥�
John: 鈥淥h, I see. Well then from now on please answer all my questions honestly. Were you really inept as a farmer?鈥�
Me: 鈥淗onestly!鈥�
John grimacing: 鈥淗ere we go again! I meant for you to give me an honest answer!鈥�
Me: 鈥淪o let me get this straight in my mind. You want seriousness and honesty?鈥�
John: 鈥淵es! That鈥檚 it!鈥�
Me: 鈥淲ell, then I seriously state with honesty that I was as good at farming as you are at conducting this interview!鈥�
I have to be honest, the above interview never happened! I was bored and the idea just appeared in my warped mind! It would have been fun though!
Ole's truck stalled on a country road one morning. Ole popped the hood, got out and climbed up on the bumper to take look, and while checking the belts a cow came sauntering by and stopped beside him. The cow peered under the hood, licked her nostrils with her tongue and said, "Your problem is probably with the injectors," emphasizing her statement by swishing her tail.
Ole got startled, jumped off and ran down the road until he met the farmer. Ole was amazed at what he had just experienced and told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a white spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," replied Ole. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to old Bessie," said the farmer. "She鈥檚 an old time carburetor gal and doesn't know the first thing about fuel injectors!"
