A forest fire burns up a lot of trees, but a house fire burns down a house. I am a bit puzzled about that, because the flames always lick up the tree or the side of the house. I have never heard of flames licking down anything. However, whether the flames went up or down, the end result is the same, the tree is gone and so is the house.
Knut called the 911 emergency number, and the conversation went something like this: 鈥淲hat is your emergency?鈥� asked the 911 operator.
鈥淢y house is on fire!鈥� yelled Knut.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 the address?鈥� asked the 911 operator.
鈥淚鈥檓 too excited and confused,鈥� said Knut. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 remember it right now, but hurry!鈥�
鈥淗ow do you expect the fire department to get there?鈥� asked the 911 operator.
鈥淲hat do you mean how, don鈥檛 they still have those red trucks?鈥� asked Knut.
鈥淗ow stupid can you get?鈥� is a phrase many of us have used when the other party does not comprehend what you鈥檙e trying to say. But the last I looked I could not find that stupidity was measured in either degrees nor any other increments. Intelligence is measurable as IQ but that doesn鈥檛 state that somebody is stupid. It states that somebody might not be as smart as you, or heaven forbid, somebody might be smarter than you. But I ask myself how stupid a person can get anyway, without the ability to get a proper answer.
It was a nice Saturday evening, and Olaf was having a shot of Akevitt at the Bottoms up Bar, while watching the football game. A nicely dressed woman he had not met before sat down beside him at the bar. She was looking at Olaf鈥檚 face and said, 鈥淗i, my name is Kari, you have a nice face.鈥�
鈥淭hank you,鈥� said Olaf, 鈥渕y name is Olaf.鈥�
鈥淪o, how many times a day do you shave?鈥� asked Kari.
鈥淲ell, I guess about 15 or 20 times every day,鈥� replied Olaf.
鈥淢y god,鈥� said Kari, 鈥渁re you some kind of crazy obsessive-compulsive person?鈥�
鈥淣o, not at all,鈥� answered Olaf. 鈥淚鈥檓 a barber.鈥�
They sat there sipping their drinks and watching the game for a while. Then Kari said, 鈥淚鈥檓 a master of fast calculations, you should try me.鈥�
鈥淥K, what is 758 times 642 divided by 5?鈥� said Olaf.
鈥�25,鈥� answered Kari.
鈥淗a, ha, that鈥檚 wrong!鈥� retorted Olaf.
鈥淭hat might be, but it was fast,鈥� shot back Kari.
We drove to North Battleford to do some shopping, and the Dollar Store is one of Marion鈥檚 favorite stores. She parked by the store, stepped out of the truck and told me she would be back soon, not in an hour or half hour or even a couple of minutes, but soon. Soon is a safe statement for a woman, because you cannot hold her to any specific time, other than soon. So, there I sat with the engine running, reading my book. The mall security guard knocked on my window and asked me to kill the engine.
鈥淜ill the engine?鈥� I queried. I looked him straight in the eyes and told him that both as a Lutheran and a law-abiding citizen, I can not kill anything. One of the ten commandments states 鈥淭hou shall not kill,鈥� and according to Canadian legal statutes killing is punishable by many years鈥� incarceration. He then strongly suggested that I turn off the motor, which I did.
Sven and Ole were sitting in the Bottoms Up bar, nursing a couple of shots of Akevitt.
鈥淚 was out playing golf,鈥� said Sven, 鈥渨hen all of a sudden it started raining hard, followed by a bolt of lightning that struck the hole marker 20 feet away and scared me half to death.鈥�
鈥淲ow!鈥� exclaimed Ole, 鈥渢hat was close.鈥�
鈥淵eah, well, another bolt of greased lightning struck a tree 50 feet away and scared me half to death again!鈥� continued Sven.
鈥淲ait a minute,鈥� demanded Ole. 鈥淚s a bolt of greased lightning faster than a regular bolt of lightning? And if you were scared half to death twice, shouldn鈥檛 you be in the morgue?鈥�
They sat there in silence nursing their drinks, then Sven said, 鈥淚 had a big argument with my ex- wife yesterday.鈥�
鈥淥h, what happened?鈥� asked Ole.
鈥淚 went to her house, you know, where I used to live,鈥� said Sven, 鈥渞ang the doorbell, but she wouldn鈥檛 let me in. 鈥榊ou can stand out there!鈥� she yelled.
鈥溾�榃ell, if I鈥檓 standing out here, then that must mean that I鈥檓 outstanding!鈥� I yelled back.鈥�
鈥淚 bet you didn鈥檛 score any points with that,鈥� mused Ole.
鈥淚t gets better,鈥� said Sven. 鈥淪he yelled at me, 鈥榶ou鈥檙e not outstanding, you鈥檙e a nobody!鈥� 鈥楾hank you,鈥� I yelled back. 鈥楨verybody knows that nobody is perfect, so therefore you just confirmed that I鈥檓 perfect!鈥欌��
As we were walking through Walmart, I saw a large sign by the paper aisle, right above a display of toilet paper. The sign had an arrow pointing down and said, 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 know what you have until it is gone.鈥�
I thought that the staff here obviously have a sense of humour, so when I saw the sign in the over the counter medical aisle that was promoting Imodium which said, 鈥渇our out of five people suffer from diarrhea,鈥� I had to stop a clerk and ask it that means that one person out of five enjoys it?
It started to snow as we were driving home, so I said to Marion, 鈥渄on鈥檛 worry it could be worse.鈥�
She stopped worrying and sure enough it got worse.
